We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
