Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Randomize
