I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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