he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
