It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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