Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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