remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
