somebody snuck up and got me drunk
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
