I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's just like the Real World with babies
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
