Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
