If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Randomize
