Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
