UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
