Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
