my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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