I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
