You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
