Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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