Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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