OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
