I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
