Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Bring me that man meat
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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