i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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