I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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