It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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