R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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