You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
