his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
