First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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