I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
