wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
zippers are such a cool invention
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
