I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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