What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
