i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
someone owes me an orgasm
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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