i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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