My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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