I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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