I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
