Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
