I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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