it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
