WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize