help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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