How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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