I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
