Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
