my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
