how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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