I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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