Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize