i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
