dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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