2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
