I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
