What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
