worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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