THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
