when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
