By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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