she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
