Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
