i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
